another update to the drama.

Yesterday I sent my mother this email

"I'm sorry that is what you decided Mom, it would have been nice for you me
and Debbie to go out for an afternoon of women's fun. I did not want
Carolyn there, because yes I think she is too young for a 2 1/2 hr show and
I think she will be frighten at certain scenes(specifiy the Great Rumpus Cat
and Macavity) but also because when Carolyn is added to an outing she
becomes at best an irritating distraction, at worse the outing becomes all
about her. I don't feel that it's wrong or selfish of me to not want to
deal with this on what is supposed to be my birthday outing.

As I have said Mom I would like to have an adult relationship with you. I
would like to be able to go out just window shopping, have lunch, or just
hang out and bond with just the two of us. However I can count on one hand
the number of times we have done this over the past several years. You
either felt the need to include Carolyn at some point(or all) of the outing,
or you forgot we had plans and went out with some-one else. You may not be
doing this deliberately, but it makes me feel that you do not value either
your time or relationship with me and that hurts and I am tired of it. I am
left wondering if you really enjoyed the night we saw Wicked or if you were
wishing Carolyn was there too.I haven't said anything partly to be polite
and because I hate confrontation with you, but I won't let this continue.""

She hasn't responded.

I did get a call from Dad. Dad is pushing for us to reconcile, but says Mom is too shocked and depressed to respond, and at a complete loss as to where this came from. That is my fault because I never spoke up before at the incidents that hurt me, but at the same time it tells me how much Mom took our relationship for granted. Dad doesn't think that Mom will make the first move, but at the same time I don't feel that I can try reaching to her. He's also not sure if it'll mean me going out to their place, or them coming here or going out so we can just talk.

(no subject)

Well I called my mother, to maybe try and patch things up.

It did not go well.

Instead of listening and caring about when and how she had hurt me, my mother decided to instead try to guilttrip me. Asking me about times I refused plans to hangout(uhm that would be because I already had plans) and times I didn't go hang out at the house(hmm sitting around watching whatever game is on with the rest of the clan, yeah that sounds like great quality mother/daughter bonding time) I'm sorry but declining plans or vague non-events is not the same as changing or canceling confirmed plans at the last moment. She basically tried to do everything she could to make feel that I'm a horrible, selfish, ungrateful brat for feeling the way that I do, and putting words into my mouth that I never said. Frankly it didn't work.

At least it can't be said that I didn't try to reconcile.

There is a lot more I could say here about my mother's faults and my own weakness in dealing with her, but for now I think I'm going to do what I always do in times of emotional distress. Find any distraction I can and run with it, at least for a little.

*sigh* I do love my mom and I know that she loves me, I'm not sure if that makes this mess better or worse.